LAUREN Conrad and Ichiro? Romance?

DREAM DATE: LAUREN CONRAD & ICHIRO

by Chris Sprow



Ichiro is known for his thoughtful quotes, but he also still routinely speaks through a translator, even though he understands English better than most anchors on Fox Business News. And yet, he's also been facing tough times. Those around him in Seattle have failed him. So when he met up with Lauren Conrad—who we know has felt similarly—at an LA coffee house in the Hills, we tagged along.

So did his translator, in today's episode of Dream Date.

Lauren: So you're like, having sort of a rough year, I know. I saw. I just should say, last year, when this stuff was happening with Heidi and Spencer and it was like, always sort of in my face, I didn't know where to turn, and it had me feeling, I guess vulnerable is the right word. Or angry. Kind of like, both of those.

Ichiro: (In Japanese) What is she talking about with Spencer? Is that the sex tape rumors stuff?

Translator: Lauren, it is kind of you to say that. Sometimes I too feel as though I am in the midst of peril, like the eye, or center of a hurricane; both literally and figuratively, as the centerpiece of the offense and the center fielder. And even when I achieve a calm for myself, I realize a hurricane rages all around me.

Lauren: That's weird, because I am so afraid of hurricanes, too.

Ichiro: (in Japanese) Uh, I don't think she knows you weren't being literal. See what's up with the Heidi thing. If there's a web link or something, we should know about this.

Translator: As a result of the hardships you experienced, have you begun to sense a greater feeling of well-being? In Japan, personal solace is not greater than the quest of the team, and yet an inner quiet can help you help your team achieve great things.

Lauren: I think you mean like, using Ambien, right? I do when I fly. I definitely feel a lot more comfortable with myself and I care a lot less about what other people think of me because I've learned when you're a celebrity, people will take every opportunity to criticize you because they're just jealous.

Ichiro: (in Japanese) I'd say those leggings are ripe for criticism.

Translator: I understand.

Lauren: I totally thought you would. You're so conscience.

Ichiro: (in Japanese) I think she means conscientious?

Translator: (in Japanese) Don't ruffle her, bro.

Lauren: Anyway, my only real talent is being myself. When I first moved to LA to do The Hills, there were a lot of acting offers, but I had never really been interested in acting, although I did take a class to check it out. It was all right, but I just don't think I could make a career out of something that I wasn't really passionate about. Right now, I just wanna enjoy this for as long as it lasts. I'd rather have a career based on something that makes me happy… and that has always been fashion.

Ichiro: (in Japanese) Only in LA can you have no talent, but still have stuff going for you. Such garbage.

Translator: And how is it with Heidi now?

Lauren: Well, like last year, she took me on a road trip to Las Vegas and we had the best time. It was important for me to know that I could still have a good time without a boyfriend. I slept in her bed for a month because I couldn't go into my room. And then I realized I just had to be out of that apartment because there were too many memories , and she packed up all of my stuff and we moved. Now…

Ichiro: (in Japanese) When will she stop talking!? Hargrove made more sense than this!

Lauren: Now, we are just like so separated. I mean, she is loyal to Spencer, and they have their own thing, and Audrina is sort of like this weird bridge, like…

Translator: What do you mean by bridge, he wonders?

Ichiro: (in Japanese) Dude!

Lauren: Well, it's like she sort of is friends with both of us, but like, we don't talk to eachother. It's hard to explain.

Ichiro: (in Japanese) I feel dumber.

Translator: I'm sure it is, Lauren. I'm sure it is. I too am forced to bridge so many divides. Between the English culture and Japan's, between pure competency and utter helplessness, as is so often the case in Seattle. Between my hopes, and the hopes of my team.

Ichiro: (in Japanese) She'll be in Playboy in a year, two tops.

Lauren: You're really sweet. I love what you said about competency, because I love that store. Shoes make me happy.

Ichiro: (in Japanese) Seriously, kill me now.

Translator: I, Ichiro, also enjoy shoes.